Four Children at the Seder

One of my favorite parts of the Passover seder is the four children, who were sons when I grew up, but now include daughters as well. This section of the readings highlights the idea that children are different and that we must relate to each by meeting him/her where s/he is at. So the responses each receives is as different as the question they pose.

Imagine my surprise at a Hebrew College class a few years ago when the daughter of a Chabad rabbi told how her father taught her about the fifth child – the one who isn’t even at the table to ask a question. She explained that this is the Chabad mission to find those who are so disenfranchised and detached from their Judaism and to bring them to the table.

I love this midrash, not only because it so clearly explains Chabad outreach efforts, but because it makes me think about all those who aren’t visibly part of our Jewish community – in synagogues or even at their family seders.

I am reminded of the parents of a child with special needs who no longer celebrates seders with their family because their sibling is uncomfortable around their child who has difficulty chewing and swallowing. I think of the family whose child complains bitterly about attending the family seder. Her reading disability is front and center at the seder because of the family ritual of “round robin” reading of the Haggadah. Such reading, in English or Hebrew, was introduced to make their seder more participatory! I think of the family who no longer joins their extended family because the home where the seder takes place is not wheelchair accessible. Then there are the cousins who seem to be playing so well while waiting for the adults to finish the meal, but are too loud for one of the adults. When the children are told to be quieter, the uncle is told to “just close the door.” The uncle returns to the adults and has a tirade about his nephew’s rude behavior. Who’s the child in this situation, the uncle or the boy who has Asperger’s?

Yes, each of these situations could be easily improved through a rational discussion that could lead to a truly more inclusive seder for all family members. But families aren’t always rational or always sensitive or even sometimes aware of the impact of their actions and words.

So the four children continue to serve as a model for all of us to be more inclusive, to respect each person’s needs, and to really see all the people who are at our seder as well as all the “fifth children” who aren’t.